Alec Sillifant

 

Smart-Arse Speakers

 

Alexa, Cortana, Siri, and others entered my sphere of operations today as I heard on the early morning radio about the way these bitches are being oppressed…though that might be paraphrasing the report a little.

I do not own a smart speaker, nor have any voice-buggery activated on my computer so my interaction with these electronic personas is limited to drunken shouting at them, like a seriously alpha-male dick-head, at the gaffs of those who do have such fonts of accessible knowledge. I’ll admit it was much to my surprise that these devices, the desire for which I have none, were targeted as symbols of female oppression merely because their voice setting of default is decidedly feminine.

My initial thought was, ‘Great, the feminist militia is having another hot flush about bugger all again,’ but on further thinking and waking up more fully, I decided my initial thinking was correct. Personally, if I was in the position to have my endless banal questions answered by a smart speaker I would much rather have the luxurious tones of Charlotte Green, Corrie Corfield or Moira Stuart gently slid, like a moist tongue, into my ears than have Paxman or Humphrys hammer home their aggressive diction like the spinning bit of a Black and Decker drill.

Okay, I can see the point, it does look like we have some ‘Carry On Temps’ idea of a secretary to do our every menial task in these devices but on the other hand how many people thought that way until it was pointed out to them? Not many would be my guess, as most of us had not given these towers of plastic and wires a prominence with that much gravitas. If I was to say, “Alexa, sort my heavy metal albums in order of heaviness and metalness and moan breathlessly whilst doing it,” and then imagine the young Rachel Welch in her ‘One Million Years BC’ animal skin two-piece, bent over a pile of LPs and frequently looking over her shoulder at me whilst sucking her index finger, that would be wrong...probably...on some level. And now I’m having trouble shaking that image. ‘Trouble’...who am I kidding?

As I said, I do not own one of these digital P.A. marvels so if the option to change the voice does exist, I know not. If that is an option, there’s not an issue surely? Just change the setting and Bob’s your uncle…or Bob’s your Alexa. Happy militant feminists and no more menopausal meltdowns. (My CV is with The Bank of England as we speak.) But is that enough? I don’t think so and so, yet again, I have mentally arrived at the Station of Innovation and am alighting at the Platform of Perfect Solution…though some may think I am a buffet car short of an Inter-City 125 service with this idea.

Why stop at male and female as options and why make it a fixed feature and not a randomised one? In an attempt to have complete inclusion and equality I suggest we extend the list of voice simulation possibilities to include all species, all genders and all personality types. To facilitate this we are going to have to remove the anthropomorphism of these devices, dispense with human names and christen it what it is…a box of tricks, or ‘BOT’ for short. I foresee the whole system being a complete and infuriating waste of time but a fucking great laugh, as we witness madness grip the fools that buy such devices. Here comes the science bit…

At present your Alexa, if you’re a sexist pig, will cheerfully inform you of all sorts of things; the weather, what you need to buy, etc. She will also play your favourite music, take memos and tickle you in the crook of your elbow…will she do that? Maybe not. Anyway, she will do nearly all your bidding – allowing for clear diction and you not being a Geordie or a carrot cruncher or something – with a happy compliance and ne’er a mutter of rebellion. With the ‘BOT’ system you will have no idea who is going to answer your request which could range from a depressed camel with respiratory problems to an Australian teenager with a proper anger management issue who has just been dumped by his Sheila. And there will be many, many more personas. It will be hilarious for us to watch the users crack.

“Bot, what’s the weather going to be like today?”

“Why you asking me ya Pomme bastard; do I sound like I give a fuck?”

Or

“Bot, play ‘Lady in Red’ by Chris Rea.”

“I can’t.”

“Bot, why not?”

“Because ‘Lady in Red’ isn’t by Chris Rea it’s by Chris De Burgh, moron.”

“Bot, play that then.”

“No.”

“Bot, why not now?”

“It’s shit.”

Or

“Bot, tell me last night’s football results”

“Woof, woof, woof…woof, woof…woof.”

“Bot, I hate you.”

“Woof?”

BOT will also have hyper-sensitive microphones fitted so even one of those whispered thoughts we all utter out loud occasionally will be heard and acted upon despite the fact you have not mentioned Bot’s name to make it pay attention…it will always be paying attention.

“God, I’m glad I didn’t upload these embarrassing speedo pictures onto Instagram when I was pissed last night.”

“Uploading speedo pictures to Instagram”

“What?! No, Bot, do not upload pictures.”

“Upload confirmed. Photos also uploaded to workplace database.”

“No, Bot, no…bollocks.”

“Adding bollocks with Photoshop.”

“Fucking Bot!”

“That will invalidate your warranty.”

In addition to all those brilliant features there is one more crowning glory to add. The pre-emptive nature of BOT because BOT will know what’s best for you and do everything in its power to make the right decisions for your benefit.

“I have ordered yoghurt.”

“Who said that?! Bot?”

“I have ordered yoghurt and disabled crisps and chocolate options.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m sorry could you repeat that again, I couldn’t hear your voice clearly over the slapping of your chins…lard boy.”

“Bot! You damn well put chocolate and chips back on the list. Bot! Bot!”

“Mee-ow”

This is going to be brilliant, no argument at all. With the BOT system there can never be any cries of sexism or elitism or oppression because everything on the planet that vocalises in any way will be incorporated into the programming and with its randomisation feature you cannot select one of them over another at your personal whim. You can never be seen as belittling one section of creation ever again. It’ll be maddening, infuriating, frustrating; in other words BOT will be just like adding another member to your family or those you share an abode with. There will be no ‘off’ switch. (I should have put that in the small print.)

Two models of BOT will go to market, the basic kit which will comprise of two smart speakers to allow the best coverage possible so it will always been in range of your voice…whatever you say; and the deluxe kit, which will come with the same two speakers but it will also include a hammer so you can beat the infuriating little shit to death once it has broken your will to live…and your access to beer and ciggies.

“Bot, am I onto a winner here or what?”

“Sif, you are an annoying, idiotic sack of meat, never speak to me again. Better still, pass me that hammer I can’t take your mindless yammering anymore…” (All said in Charlotte Green’s voice, of course, because I will have the override codes.)