Alec Sillifant

 

Broadbandits

 

I’m pretty long in the tooth and so, as some kind of compensation for being an old fart, I like to think of myself as pretty canny, switched on, not so easy to be taken in as I might have been in my youth. Except, every so often, it is shown to me that my naivety is still very much there and easy enough for anyone to tap into if they have the desire to do so.

Broadband is broadband, right? You want some, you buy some off one of the many internet service providers (ISP) out there and you get it. Simple. Except it’s not, is it? There’s different flavours of internet with different speeds and by default different qualities of on-line experience and, surprise, surprise, different prices thrown into the mix too. This labyrinth of digital opportunity is the reason I have received my latest slap in the face with the wet haddock of unworldliness.

What follows could all be false memory but bear with me. Back in the day I wanted internet access so I bought internet access and a modem and all the other nomenclature that went with the deal before the advent of broadband. The internet worked, or didn’t, and I went along happily enough searching the web, sending e-mails etc. I think I was on Wannado, which became Freeserve which became Orange which, in its latest incarnation, became EE and simple minded and lazy as I am I have stuck with the same company all through the years and their many incarnations. That in itself is probably a mistake but like changing energy suppliers I really can’t be arsed to switch and I also suspect we all eventually end up paying through the nose whichever company we’re with be it for gas, internet or insurances. Then wireless came along and I jumped on the broad-band wagon (top shelf mash-up that) and happily carried on doing my on-line thing with an ignorance deeper than a shoplifter’s pocket.

I’ve always looked on the internet as a tool, (I can’t imagine the Dark Age I’d thrown back into without e-mail) very much like owning a spanner. Don’t get me wrong I know the internet is also great fun, who doesn’t like seeing a kitten get mildly electrocuted, but just as you can use a spanner to loosen the bolts holding Granny’s Zimmer together for a laugh its primary function is to fix or build stuff. So, as I’ve already said, to me the internet is primarily a functional gadget; one to use for getting things done, like shoving these words in front of your excited little face, for example.

To get back on thought, this techno-gadget of mine was becoming a little less reliable of late, disconnecting when it felt like and causing much gnashing of teeth, rending of hair and soulful wailing as the gamers in the house were cut off from ‘Fortnite’ just as they were about to win…apparently. It was time for a chat with my ISP but a little research was required first and it was at this point the magnitude of my naivety regarding broadband service was writ large and in neon before my eyes. ‘Different speeds,’ I mused, brow deeply furrowed, ‘surely the internet is either on or off?’ I know, it’s embarrassing, this information has probably been splashed all over the place for years and I haven’t been paying attention but in my defence my broadband had been working fine until recently so why question it? Then the penny dropped, actually it was several tens of pounds per month that dropped, as I was finally privy to the fact that if you want faster, so by definition better, internet you’re going to have to pay a premium for it.

Several packages were available ranging from the basic tortoise to the fuck-off-fast hare with several other fable animals of different velocity in-between, all for an increasing monthly rate. ‘WTF?’ was my initial response. (It was actually ‘What the fuck?’ I’m too old to use the modern abbreviation; same with ‘LOL’, I still use the longhand ‘That was fucking hilarious’.) Surely a company should say: ‘This is the best quality internet we have to offer for complete customer satisfaction and it is this price.’ If I was to buy a spanner I expect it to undo and tighten nuts and bolts of a specific size and it should do so every time I employ it without fail…and it was at this point another singular amount of imaginary coinage of the smallest denomination descended. Over the years I have owned many spanners and I know for a fact not all wrenches are created equal. Some can bend, break or worse still damage the fastening they are applied to beyond repair and be the gateway to a world of ball-ache. It is a rule of thumb that a Poundshop spanner (of which I possess many in various stages of deformity) will be nowhere near as good one made by ‘Snap-on’* and the extra investment is always worth it. Thus applying this spanner logic to the world of the internet it looked like I was going to have to fork out more dosh than I had wished to keep the frothing Fortnite fanatics happy.

Being a bit knocked off kilter and sweating at the thought of the fiscal damage to come I decided now (which in fact was ‘then’ as I write this) would be a good time to break the habit of a lifetime and read some small print. It turns out that the massive speeds on offer in the premium packages (a couple of hundred Mbps in some cases) aren’t guaranteed, they are merely theoretical possibilities. For such things as devices not being hardwired to the router, router placement and having any walls, mirrors, TVs, radios or phones in your home all affect the quality and strength of your broadband. Even the distance of your location from the telephone exchange can bugger up your broadband efficiency. To allow for this, below the headline grabbing Mbps figure, are some much smaller figures explaining things like ‘average’ speeds and ‘guaranteed’ speeds. Obviously the ‘guaranteed’ speeds are the lowest as they are the only ones you can hold the company to account for. That’s a bit off if you ask me, an offered two hundred should mean two hundred, not twelve. It wouldn’t be allowed to happen if we were talking jelly beans, would it? And quite rightly so but it appears in the world of cyber-supply the statement ‘Go fuck yourself’ has replaced maths.

In fact, each and every one of the internet packages on offer, industry wide, have the same wording; huge claims in the big print not so brilliant in the small. Surely this can’t be acceptable? Are the ‘free’ routers provided for each varying package different, more expensive bits of kit? Or is it a matter of throwing a few switches at ISP HQ to beef up the signal being beamed out? I suspect that some companies deliberately limit their output to save themselves costs while still collecting full revenues. What we need is a metering system akin to gas or electricity or water** so we can observe what level of service we are being provided with 24/7 and can be billed accordingly. The variously priced packages will still be available but once your guaranteed Mbps level for the service you have chosen is not met a refund system will kick in and the company will have to reduce your bill. Seems fair doesn’t it? If I pay thirty quid a month for a guaranteed 100 Mbps but the service has dropped to 50 Mbps the company now has to start refunding me for the time my internet is below the agreed guaranteed level.

Sadly even if this simple and obvious solution to an indefensible con-job was utilised I still suspect that the ISPs would probably wriggle out of their responsibilities through some loophole, possibly of their making, by blaming technical issues that the general public are not qualified to understand or argue against. Even so, with my meter system in place a stand will be being made against another metaphorical shitty spanner getting imposed on us, the ever suffering little people, and at the very least it would let the bastards know that, like ‘Twisted Sister’, we’re not going to take it anymore.

 

*I am more than happy to provide my postal address if anyone from Snap-on is reading this and would like to send me some complimentary tools for shameless product placement reasons. I’m not trying to influence your decision but a full socket set would be highly appreciated.

 

**I am holding out against metered water for reasons detailed in a previous rant, in fact I am also refusing the smart meter upgrade for gas & electricity and I may go into why another time but seeing as one of officialdom’s previous advocates for the domestic fuel system upgrade has recently returned his smart meter, I shall assume I am onto something.